Written by Ruona Agbroko-Meyer, it analyses the difficulties every ‘hustler’ in a foreign country faces. * Jand in the article means Abroad. Enjoy!
Just like the Naija saying “Ashewo no be work,” so it is with this Osanle hustle. Na bad market…as bad as buying a gold-plated, customised iPhone 6 for your blind, illiterate mother who lives in the village. Yes, the time when it paid to be an Osanle and run to Jand to live here illegally is over o. Don’t be like Diana King and let anybody tell you lie-lie-lies. This place is tough so…allow me tell you why right now, Osanle no be work wey you wan send yourself for Jand.
There’s no longer a “taxi service” waiting for you
Usually, you’ve survived death by dehydration, getting shot or recruited by guerrillas, raped and prostituted, and you miraculously make it to the high seas, where you cross over to Europe. Well now, there’s a chance there won’t be any security officers battling to save your life if your rickety, overcrowded raft capsizes into the sea off the Italian or Spanish coast.
You see, Britain announced days ago that it will no longer support any search and rescue operations to stop Osanles like you drowning in the Mediterranean sea, so you will be On Your Own if you think there will be officers waiting to give you blankets and tea as you shiver in from the swimming session you decided to embark on.Gone are the days when people will pack themselves on a small boat like Titus sardine and call the Italian authorities to come and pick them up. Because, along with other EU countries, what will happen from November 1 is that there will only be patrols within 30 miles of the Italian coast.
Meaning? Nobody will be moving all over the sea, looking for you. It is better you give yourself brain and migrate legally or, make sure your juju guy strong; otherwise, the drowning wey dey wait you is doing press-up. You go chop water well-well.
2. Britain has your fence waiting. Try jump am na:
So you made it through the sea safely, we thank God. Now, you don’t fancy Spain and Italy because you don’t want to have to learn a whole new language, or prostitute/do drugs before you are able to earn enough dollars to spray in all these Naija diaspora meetings, right? So you find a way, decide to pass through Calais, and enter Jand from underneath a lorry for £800*, by scaling the border fence; basically by fire by force plus hook or crook. I’m here to tell you there’s a small problem.
The thing is, in early September, there was a NATO Summit in the UK and of course, fences were needed to provide security for the dignitaries. After the event, the UK wondered what to do with these fences and since we are a sustainable, kill-two-birds-with-one-stone nation, it was decided that the fences would be sent to Calais, where they will be used to keep Osanles like you out. Yes, this is what Immigration Minister James Brokenshire said:
“We will offer our French partners the fences…These could replace and enlarge the inadequate fencing at Calais, which is too easy for illegal immigrants to scale.”
Osanle, you have been warned. Proceed with caution because fly wey no dey hear word na im dem dey drink follow beer.
3. School visa don get K-leg:
Osanle get level. Not all osanles come to Jand by desert trek or by hanging on to the chassis of a lorry. Some of you come by plane, via a student visa, after paying a percentage of tuition and hope to work to get by, until you can blend in by happening to fall in love with a British citizen, warts and all, passport and all.
For anyone hoping to use the student visa route, just know that from November, harsher rules will “be imposed on universities and colleges who sponsor international students to study in the UK.” Right now, these institutions cannot get the much-coveted “highly trusted sponsor status if 20% or more of the individuals they have offered places to are refused visas. But that figure will be cut to 10% in November after a 3 month transitional period.”
What it means is that, in the coming months/years, it is likely that a lesser number of schools will be able to sponsor you, and when you are here your student visa requirements will mean you kuku can’t do any meaningful work to enable you buy enough clothes to snag a Britico, much less pay your remaining fees. Reason am well o, because degree without pali is like Nkwobi without kaun.
4. The citizenship can be removed o
Once an Osanle, always an Osanle…so some of the new laws under the Immigration Act 2014 mean that after passing through desert, sea, marriage hustle and naturalising to get a burgundy British passport, the Home Secretary is allowed to remove your British citizenship if your “actions have been seriously prejudicial to the interests of the United Kingdom…”
In short – all this is long grammar to show you that UK citizenship is like virginity; it belongs to you, but can be taken by someone else.
5. You can’t show yourself
All that foolery where you Osanles rush to buy cars and rent flats and cruise around, oppressing the Nigerians that have the actual British passport won’t work now o. Banks will be prohibited from opening current accounts for illegal immigrants. Rather, your name will be waiting in a database if you are noted already as an offender sef.
Unless you plan to live all your life in the UK sub-letting a room with no heating from your fellow Nigerian landlord, then don’t bother running here. Now there are fines for landlords who rent homes and rooms to Osanles, and all your papers will need to check out before you can get a place to stay, access medical treatment and get a drivers’ licence. In fact, in under a month since the Immigration Act was introduced, over 3,500 driving licences have been revoked. If you even use the asylum hustle it won’t be the long, drawn-out process that allows you time to impregnate a British citizen or get pregnant by a British citizen; from 17 chances to appeal your status for any reason, the UK now allows only 4 chances.
And these people are not playing with Osanles o; they have said that all these levels have the sole aim to “make the UK the least attractive destination for illegal immigrants.”
The thing is….will all this stop you?
The thing is….will all this stop you?
Didn’t think so…asking an Osanle to stop their runs would be the same thing as putting a leopard in a washing machine to launder its spots, or…finally finding the crowbar I use to pry my tongue from my cheek.
* £800 is the “budget” option, for osanles, where you are stowed inside a lorry going to the UK. Pay £4,000 for the “luxury” package and you can enter Jand by hiding inside a car boot.