4 Uninteresting Moments For Rapture To Take Place

                                 

What are your thoughts on the rapture theory, an established Christian belief on the teleporting of true believers to heaven, leaving behind non-believers to live through the tribulation period? Not only does it sound like a mystery, which it is, but I’m constantly bugged with the question, “what could I be doing at the point of rapture?” I have a strong faith in making it with the first bus to heaven. Although my joy might be slightly deflated if while having breakfast, the trumpet sounds and my Shoprite bread or Grand Loaf bread doesn’t make it with me.

Well, for the sake of this post, let’s pretend that judgment follows immediately after rapture. Whatever you’ll be doing on that special day, pray not to be caught in any of these acts.

1: After a devoted six months of daily wit-cracking, bumper to bumper follow up and expensive investment on tools and leads, not minding your self-denials to rejuvenate the potency of your “plus”. Finally your maga (victim of scam) pays up a jaw-dropping amount of money. While smiling out of the bank, our heavenly father signals the angels to sound that celestial trumpet. You are not only disappointed at your eternal destination, but you are particularly angry at God for not fulfilling his popular motivational statement, “a laborer deserves his pay”. Either way, a plastic seat awaits you in hell.

2: On a movie set. Stand by. Tape rolling. Action! You are the guy, under the sheets with a lady, skillfully unleashing your expertise for that human animalistic stunt, perfectly expressed in the sensual synchronicity of your thrusts and The Prince’s inspirational give-it-to-me-now track. At that point of no return where you are chanting your heroic hymn, “I’m almost there. I’m cuming. I’m cuming.” Bang! The trumpet sounds. Hiding under the leaking umbrella of movie making will do you no good. Hell awaits your arrival. But don’t worry, you are not alone. While you were thrusting your way to hell, the camera man was professionally capturing his way to hell and the director also blocking his way to hell. Feel free to go make a blockbuster in hell.

3: If you, like me, are a big fan of hip hop. Most especially those tracks with strong subliminal connotations almost always found in the thought provoking lyrics of the never critic-friendly Kanye, Jay-z and their league of extraordinary musicians. Think twice when next you find yourself spitting those blasphemous Kanye’s lines like “

I am a god
so hurry up with the damn massage…
I just talked to Jesus
He said what’s up Yeezus
I said shit I’m chilling…
I know He the most thigh
But I’m a close high.

What’s your fate if it sounds at this point? If you have my kind of bible, you might have come across Mark 3:28-30, which says, “Assuredly I say to you, all sins will be forgiven…but he who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness”.

4: I’m glad it didn’t happen while I was conceiving and typing this post. Let’s face it, my bible, the heavenly constitution, has in its content where it categorically warns against man judging another man. What in heaven’s sake am I doing? Judging another man! Thank God it didn’t strike then, but if you are reading this and judgmentally screaming “hell awaits you” to our victims, do pray the trumpet doesn’t sound now. If it does, I’m sure you already know your fate.

 Bukkybites